Things I Say
LIFE IS INSANE. Sometimes you just have to laugh to keep from crying. I’ve taken a bit of a break from social media but felt like sharing this. Maybe it’ll make someone smile. Here are some things I’ve found myself saying recently around my house, to my children AND spouse. Enjoy.
1. NO! You MAY NOT name your pet worm Penis…
Oh dear! It would appear Penis has dried up and died in his jar. Rest in peace, Mr. Worm.
2. Please do not kick me in the mouth. It makes Momma sad. And God, too.
3. Don’t sit on the tub drain, it’ll suck your guts out.
4. Wait, the drain thing might not actually be true, but let’s not chance it, you’ve got enough problems.
5. WHO PUT A BOOGER ON MY STAIRWELL WALL??? Why is this still a thing I have to tell you people not to do???
6. Please do not throw your dirty diaper at me. It makes Momma sad. And God, too.
7. Get out of your brother’s room, it is disgusting. You’ll catch the ringworm.
8. Ewww, the mini fridge smells like Captain D’s, but we haven’t had Captain D’s in years??? Honey, pick up some Captain D’s on the way home, and don’t forget the vinegar. Or you’ll make Momma sad.
9. Please do not fart on my shoulder. It makes Momma sad. And God, too.
10. Please stop hitting the TV with your slobbery sucker. You’ll make Daddy sad.
“NO, I do NOT want to sit in his lap.”
11. Please put some pants on.
12. OH MY GOSH, THE SMELL! How is this possible? Weren’t you just a teenie tiny baby? Leaving your dirty clothes in a pile on the floor for a week is no longer something you can get away with. In fact, our home might be condemned if a health department inspector came in. And that will make momma sad.
13. The dog’s face just exploded!! (Our new puppy had a swollen lymph node that got infected and ruptured, they said he has Puppy Strangles. Of course he does… Captain is doing ok now though this did result in multiple unplanned vet visits, 4 weeks of antibiotics, and the protective cone collar).
14. I need you to come to the garage and help me RIGHT NOW, the dog barfed in my lap about a mile ago! THE CONE OF SHAME IS FULL! (I have since learned Captain gets car sick and to resist his cuteness when he climbs out of his box and into my lap while driving).
15. Hello sweet sounding sophomore calling from my alma mater. I’m sorry, I’ve got four kids, one of which will be starting college in A YEAR AND A HALF, I am not in any position to enrich the lives of current students on campus. Besides, didn’t I just graduate like 2 years ago? Wait. What? I graduated 15 years ago? Well, you’re barking up the wrong alumni tree, I still haven’t figured out what to do with my life. All I have to offer is my legacy. Go Chargers!
16. Why are you naked? In the kitchen?
17. I do not know why the darn elf forgot to move on only day 2 of his return from the North Pole. *Under my breath – don’t none of y’all even believe in Santa anymore anyway.* DON’T JUDGE ME!
18. I am sorry for yelling at you for telling me your orange juice tastes “interesting” and then went on a tirade about how grateful you should be to have a momma who makes your breakfast and pours you interesting orange juice. I made you sad. And God, too.
19. We DO NOT fling our yogurt on the floor then laugh. It makes Momma sad. Because she just mopped the floor you poured an entire can of coke on the day before.
20. SMILE for the picture. Or I will whoop you. And that will make Momma sad. And God, too.
21. Let me use the bathroom in peace or nobody’s gonna be happy.
22. Did you just ask me (and did I actually answer the question with possible affirmation), “If boogers were made of chocolate would you eat your boogers”?
23. Getting up at 3am and climbing/standing on your desk is not a “thing”. I keep telling you this.
24. Get down and give me 20 pushups for referencing turds at my table.
25. I’m sorry, I refuse to feel guilty for neglecting/forgetting Tooth Fairy duties for an 11 year old who’s last words to me before getting on the bus were, “I’m gonna wait to pull this baby out at school so I can get out of class”.
26. What the heck’s that?! Is that a Lego man in my brand new candle? What is wrong with you people?!
27. GET DOWN RIGHT NOW! You’re going to bust your face open right before Christmas and ruin my pictures.
28. I really don’t feel like talking about foreskin anymore.
29. For the record, a pizza coupon is not a proper Christmas tree ornament.
30. OH. MY GOSH… Is that a corndog stick behind the toilet? Y’all, I may have not mentioned this before but one does not eat corndogs whilst on the toilet. In fact, eating anything on the toilet or in the bathroom is strictly prohibited.
31. DO YOU. UNDERSTAND. THE WORDS. THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?!?!
It could go on and on. Several of these things are said multiple times a day/week. Sorry for the crude nature of most of it, just keeping things real for you. Hope you all had a blessed and happy holiday season! Praying your New Year will be AMAZING!!!